Conflict, Tears and Blame

Just a little over a year ago, I had a man give me a call. He asked if he could come and see me in my office.  He was from a former congregation where I’d served as minister.  I didn’t know him too well, but I knew his daughter much better because she was in a group I’d organized for the church - a group including mostly young people in their twenties and early thirties.  We’d get together for a meal once a month and have a topic for discussion. We really came to know each other quite well.

So I received this call from the father of a young woman who’d been in that group.   

He came to see me …

We spent a few minutes catching up on our lives, and then I said to him, “What can I do for you?  Why did you want to come and see me?” He said, “It’s my daughter Meghan. She and I haven’t talked to each other in months.  She came home to stay for a few days last summer.  She borrowed my car and she was in a small accident – just a fender bender.” 

He went on, “But I was feeling under a lot of stress for several reasons, and I just got so angry when she told me she’d banged up the car.  I said very mean things to her.  The next thing I knew, she’d packed up her belongings, and she walked out the front door.  She slammed the door on the way out.  We haven’t spoken to each other since then. It’s been 7 months.  She won’t speak to me and I don’t know what to do.” And then he began to cry …

He was sorry he’d lost his temper, but he didn’t know what to do.  Could I help him to repair the damage in the relationship between him and his daughter?   

Now it was hard for me to understand how something like this could happen. For as long as my parents were alive, we were very close – saw each other all the time.  With my own children, I talk to them almost every day.  My son actually calls me most mornings when he’s on his way to work.  Of course, over the years we’ve had fights and slammed doors, but we had never come to this point. 

It was hard for me to believe … they hadn’t spoken in seven months.

You see, I’m used to the practice of forgiveness. Without forgiveness life would be totally depressing.  Without forgiveness … being reconciled … a few tears … a hug … all is forgotten and forgiven – we’re back together again. That’s the only way we can live – by grace – the grace we share with one another … and especially the grace of God …

Our reading this morning is from the Sermon on the Mount.

The collective judgement of the church is, this section of Scripture is at the heart of the Christian faith – how we should live toward God and how we should live with each other.  What are relationships should be, and what’s to be done if something happens to those relationships.

Today we begin where Jesus began, with family, with friends, with our fellow church members, with our neighbours.   

When these relationships are healthy, it’s beautiful.  In fact I don’t know of anything more beautiful than a healthy relationship between good friends or family members.  Where everything is smooth.  Where whatever ripples or offenses have been committed, it can all be forgiven and forgotten. 

To have good friends – even just a handful of good friends.  You may not seem them for one, two, three years or longer, but when you do, you take up right where you left off. 

Especially children … they need a few good friends …

A minister I know was telling me he had lunch in the home of a family where the twelve year old son had been diagnosed with a brain tumour. It was malignant.  He had surgery, then radiation and chemotherapy.  And these treatments caused the 12 year old boy’s hair to all fall out.

He didn’t want to go back to school with no hair on his head. His mother knit a clever little cap for him to wear …  

“I’m not wearing that cap!” he yelled at his mother. “Everybody will know why I’m wearing it.”  He didn’t want to go to school … Finally his mother said to him, “You have to go!  You just have to go back to school.” Instead of catching the bus, his parents drive him to school on his first day back. He’s very reluctant – head down, embarrassed … cap on. He walks inside and sees his old friends.  The ones he’s been playing with for years – playing baseball, tobogganing, wrestling with each other, telling jokes. There are his friends … and they’ve all shaved their heads … Now, why did they do that? … because they’re his friends … It’s not just sympathy.  It was probably kind of fun for those 12 year old boys, but it says something else.  It says, “We’re close … we are good friends …” 

But you know, when a friendship sours.  When a relationship between brothers, or brothers and sisters, or between parents and children, when that sours … there’s nothing more poisonous than that. 

I happen to know there are some people who go to work every morning after stepping out of domestic wreckage.  Their home life is miserable and ugly – a lot of yelling and blaming.   

And every day, they have to step out the door, put on a smile … and face the world … go to work or school … and it’s so incredibly hard.   

If there isn’t one place in the world that’s a haven and a quiet sanctuary – peaceful and renewing - without yelling and tears and blaming and judging – if you don’t have one place like that, how can you live!? And that’s where we come to our Gospel reading for today … Jesus says … 

“I say to you that if you are angry with a brother or sister, you will be liable to judgement; and if you insult a brother or sister, you will be liable to the council; and if you say, “You fool”, you will be liable to the hell of fire. So when you are offering your gift at the altar, if you remember that your brother or sister has something against you, leave your gift there before the altar and go; first be reconciled to your brother or sister, and then come and offer your gift. Come to terms quickly with your accuser while you are on the way to court with him, or your accuser may hand you over to the judge, and the judge to the guard, and you will be thrown into prison. Truly I tell you, you will never get out until you have paid the last penny.” 

Now what’s Jesus talking about here?  He’s talking about anger – anger that may boil over into insults and verbal abuse.    This is serious … verbal abuse! 

Now some people may say, “Well, it’s just words – I didn’t hit her!  He didn’t hit him!” 

But words … words can cut to the bone. 

You remember that old saying “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never harm me!”  Don’t you believe it! Words can hurt people to the point where they never get over it.  Better to have a broken bone … than to have heard that … or to have said that … 

I was reading a survey of High School age young people.  

One of the questions was this: “What is the worst thing you can think of that would happen to you? Do you know what was number one? Number one – the worst thing that could happen to you – here’s what these young people said, “Being put down or ridiculed in front of their friends.” In other words being verbally abused – being embarrassed or shamed in front of their friends. 

And you can’t  un-say insulting, abusive things to someone … and you can’t take them back.  You can take over a gift later, but you can’t remove those words. 

And then Jesus goes on … “I want you to think of the two most serious situations you’re ever in.” 

Jesus imagines a court case … Courts are very serious. Jesus says, “If you’re involved in a lawsuit, settle out of court before you ever get to the judge … settle it!” Why? To save yourself some money?  No, no, no … “Settle it, because it’s still possible to salvage the relationship?  Once it gets to the judge … it’s going to get ugly!” 

What happens then …   You go through those court proceedings with lawyers and arguments and bitterness, and how many years is it going to take to find forgiveness and the restoring of that relationship. You know what … it’s never going to be the same! “Settle,” Jesus says, “even if the person has something against you.  It’s not your fault.  Take the initiative and take care of it.” 

Jesus also gives a second example … He says, “If you’re offering your gift at the altar – it’s in the church … in the sanctuary … in the place of worship … you’re maybe at the communion table … And then something causes you to remember that a brother or a sister, a friend or a neighbour, has something against you. Now notice it doesn’t say, “you have something against them.”  The teaching of Jesus assumes you take care of that! But, let’s say, they have something against you. One of those situations where you may be saying to yourself, “Well, it wasn’t my fault!” Okay … it’s not your fault.  

Jesus says, “You are still responsible to take the initiative … and so, GO, take care of it!”

Now of course there are reasonable limits to this.  It doesn’t always work.  Remember what the Apostle Paul said, “As far as it is possible … be at peace.” 

Some situations are just not possible.  Leave it alone.  Sometimes it just can’t be put back together again.  But as far as it is possible by your initiative, take care of it … because we’re talking about something even more sacred than prayer and preaching and worship … our relationship to each other! In the mind of Christ, this is of paramount importance. 

I recall, a few years ago, a friend of mine, was telling me that when she was a child, some serious difference arose between her mother and father. She said, “We were a happy house.  And we always enjoyed supper when everyone was together – laughing and talking about things.  It was such a wonderful time!” 

“But, one day, before supper, my mother and father got into a serious argument.” She said, it frightened her, and it continued until faces were red, blood vessels standing out on the neck, and screaming and yelling at each other.  Ugly things were said, and then they grew silent.”

She went on, “Finally my mother said, ‘Supper’s ready, and we all sat down.’  There was no grace said.  No words were said. In total silence we ate.  We could even hear ourselves chewing the food.” 

She said, “Day after day, we ate that meal in silence – total silence …”      

She concluded, “After about three weeks, my mother and father became civil to each other. Would say a few things to each other. But it was never the same. Our home was never the same.”  How sad … how sad … 

Do you remember what Jesus said, “If you are even at the altar of the church, and remember that someone has something against you, go immediately and take care of it!  That’s first! 

Imagine a husband and wife having breakfast.  He’s going to work.  She’s at home with a baby.  The child is in the high chair putting his oatmeal in his hair.  The father and mother are talking about the bills. He says to her, “Did you pay the bills?” She says, “Well I paid all of them that I could.” 

“What do you mean, all of them that you could?” “Well, we didn’t have enough money to pay all the bills.” “Why didn’t we have enough money to pay all the bills.” “Because we didn’t have enough in the bank. “Why didn’t we have enough in the bank?  Now it’s getting tense … She says, ‘Because you didn’t make enough money to pay all the bills!” He says, “I made enough money to pay all the bills!  What did you do with the money?  Buy another dress?  Have you been out with your friends?  What’s going on?” She says, “I haven’t bought anything!  I haven’t been out with my friends!  You just didn’t make enough money to pay the bills!” They’re screaming and yelling.  The baby is crying!   

He gets up.  Leaves the table.  Slams the door!  Tires squealing as he pulls out onto the street! 

In about three or four minutes, the car pulls back into the driveway, and into the kitchen he comes.  The husband – the father – goes over to his wife, hugs his wife, hugs the baby. He says, “I’m sorry.” She says, “I’m sorry.” They embrace … and he goes to work. 

Even if you are on your way to work and then you remember … turn around and come back and clear it up! 

Let me ask you a question, “How long would that day have been if he had not turned around and come back?” 

I’ll tell you how long it would have been … about a thousand hours long … until he came home that afternoon.   And it would have been just the same for her … 

Leave your gift at the altar and go.  Be reconciled to the brother or sister and then come and finish your worship.  This is more important, even than that sacred hour … 

There is nothing more sour than a relationship left to fester - left alone until it’s beyond repair. 

It happens sometimes … tragically it happens … 

I know of a father, never, never allowed his son who died of AIDS to be buried in the family plot.  The son, to this day, lies in a plot about 75 feet from the family plot. And the father who said “No,” is now dead himself. 

But in the hospital, as the father was dying, over the pleading of the mother, over the begging of the minister, “Please let us move the body to the family plot!  He’s our son!” 

And with his dying words, the father said, “No, no!”  How sad and tragic …  

Do you remember Meghan?  I told you about Meghan at the beginning of the sermon.  I spoke to Meghan at lunch shortly after her father came to see me. 

“Your Dad’s sorry,” I said, “You need to forgive him.  You need to talk to him.  Don’t let this go on until it’s beyond repair.   No, no, please don’t let that happen … not to you .. not to him …”

She said to me, “I know … I know … I love him … I’ll give him a call … I’ll call him today …”